I am so sad & angry at the same time with son.
I flare, really serious one.
I dont like to cane him and i always try to control my temper and "LUN"
I just go crazy yesterday. Like mad.
Son look really scare and he cried like mad.
We went back around 6plus, so we had dinner and watch tv, then bather lo.
Around 7plus he took my mirror to play, i warn him do not touch the mirror as it might break and dangerous. He said OK.
Time pass, he does his homework as i watch him does it and he remember, so very good. I reward him.
He ate sweets & watch a bit of cartoon while i change him lo.
Then 10pm, i went to the toilet as the tv show finish.
Suddenly i heard a crash.
I knew Jialat liao lo.
He run out with a worried face and tell me.
I break the mirror myself.
I asked him, break?
He say yes.
I was like speechless for 1 good second then proceed to walk into the room without talking much.
Cleaned the floor and make sure there are no more glasses on the floor, called honey and informed cum complained.
Next is the very serious thing, i asked him inside the room and i locked the door.
I asked him which hand he drop the mirror and did i said not to touch the mirror.
He raised his hand for me, to cane.
I caned more then 10x i swear and the 1st few times, he cried.
After which, he jsut let me cane and no cries from him at all.
Very sturborn my son, just like me as my mum always said.
Sigh
Then after that i make him stand outside while i cleaned the floor again. He went inside his dad room and tell him.
I told him to come back out again as it is his punishmenet to stand not not to go and lie down.
He do tas i said, then his mum came back ask him to come inside the room. He is scared. Do not dare to!!!!
She carried him in and gave him water.
After which, i on the light and have a very good talk with him.
I told him his teacher called and complained his attitude in school and results are not very good.
I told him that he need to pay attention to what the teacher teaches, dont understand must asked, he said OK he will be good boy & study hard in school.
Next, i tell him.
He can only listen to what i said. Others said what come to me and i will approve if it's right!
I told him next time if he dont listen to me, or listen to what others said, he can do it. I am gg to cane him more seriously! He keep nodding his head. I said please remember.
I told him i don like to cane you please dont make me do so, as my temper is always not very good and i cant control well. That is the reason i always tried not to cane him, talked instead. He always dont like to listen then i will flare.
I felt bad about canning him lo, seriously i know he have to learn but i feel bad, really i cane very hard, i never give chances de!
I talked to my mum also. I always felt that she loved my sister more then she loved me since young. I used to hate her alot too. Dont like her as she like to sent to to other ple house to stay when i am young while my sister can stay at home. Till now i also wonder why is it not my siter she sent, but me.
After years and also having Isaac till now, my anger against is reduce to little as i slowly feel that yes she loved me also, just that i was rarely at home when i was a teenager as i was rebelious because i felt she dont care. NO, the reason i felt so got to do with my attitude too! I wasnt at home most of the time naturally she is more closed to my siter then me. I was very very rebelious wen young. Now, no more.
Maybe ple still think that i cant think & still as bad as before. I always believe that as long as you know what you do is right and also it not not hurt ur own conscience then i feel it is alright and there is no need to explain so much. What for, at the end of the say, no one is gg to praise u for being so good etc. You are good for your ownself not to live for others. Wherelse i lived for Isaac, family, kinships to me is very important and maybe since young i lacked of that, that is why i emphasis so much on it.
I want to feel the loved of a family, as i am a person who are afraid of quiet.
When its quiet i tend to think alot.
Which i think its no good.
We can be poor but if we have lots of kinship & loved, i feel that its better then being rich where you have no life and you lived for others.
I am nagging today. But i need to spell it out.
Mummy, sister, Isaac, honey i love u lots.
Right from the bottom of my heart!
Love me back as much as i love u OK.
Ple always scare i might have made a wrong choice now for doing all this things.
Not to worry, once bitten twice shy, i know how he is like and i know he is trying to change so i gave ple chances, unless YOU break my heart again and lie, i will not forgive you anymore! Remember dont break my heart again by lying! YOu know who you are OK!!!!
I am a very ncie person who dont bear grudges, jsut dont make me do so OK.
I love u
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